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 Post subject: Re: The joke thread...
 Post Posted: Wed Sep 27, 2017 7:52 pm 
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Never criticize a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes.
That way, you'll be a mile away from him, and...you'll have his shoes.


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 Post subject: Re: The joke thread...
 Post Posted: Mon Oct 02, 2017 11:02 pm 
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Joined: Thu Oct 07, 2010 12:07 pm
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Middle-aged couple in restaurant on first date:

Her: OMG my dentures just broke!

Him: Don't worry, I have plenty of spares in the boot of my car.

Her: Are you a dentist then?

Him. No, I am an undertaker….

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 Post subject: Re: The joke thread...
 Post Posted: Fri Oct 06, 2017 11:27 am 
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In 2014 - before he announced his candidacy - The Donald tweeted his "like" for this cartoon:
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 Post subject: Re: The joke thread...
 Post Posted: Sat Nov 04, 2017 3:02 pm 
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Location: S.W. Wales
A father was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol.
He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey.
The worm in the water lived, while the one in whiskey curled up and died.
"All right, son." asked the father, "what does that show you?"
"Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms."


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 Post subject: Re: The joke thread...
 Post Posted: Fri Nov 10, 2017 4:03 pm 
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An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.
The 1st passenger said, "I am Steph Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die." So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.
The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, "I am the newly-elected U.S. President, and I am the smartest President in American history, so my people don't want me to die." He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.
The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10 year old schoolboy, "My son, I am old and don't have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The little boy said, "That's okay, Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you. America 's smartest President took my schoolbag."

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 Post subject: Re: The joke thread...
 Post Posted: Fri Nov 10, 2017 6:10 pm 
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: :lol:


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 Post subject: Re: The joke thread...
 Post Posted: Wed Nov 15, 2017 6:31 am 
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Location: Glasgow
I came home steaming drunk and sick. My mrs told me she would leave me if I came home drunk and sick again. The next weekend I was drunk and sick all down my front. I was panicking thinking WTF will I do, my friend told me to put a £20 note in my pocket and tell the wife that someone else was sick all over me and they gave you £20 for the dry cleaning bill. So off I went home. when I got home I explained the situation to my good lady. She asked why I had 2 £20 notes, I told her the other one was from the guy that shat in my pants.

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 Post subject: Re: The joke thread...
 Post Posted: Sat Nov 18, 2017 6:44 pm 
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Location: S.W. Wales
A young boy asked his mother, "Is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?"

"Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" replied by his mother.

The young boy answered "Oh, the other day Daddy was talking to someone on the phone and he told them that he screwed the arse off his secretary."


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 Post subject: Re: The joke thread...
 Post Posted: Sun Nov 19, 2017 12:56 pm 
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Location: Middle Earth
I didn't realise the mad dictator Mugarbe was from Yorkshire........

until I read his name backwards. :lol: :lol:

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 Post subject: Re: The joke thread...
 Post Posted: Sun Nov 19, 2017 3:21 pm 
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Mike Smith wrote:
I didn't realise the mad dictator Mugarbe was from Yorkshire........

until I read his name backwards. :lol: :lol:


Actually it's Mugabe - which works even better :lol:

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 Post subject: Re: The joke thread...
 Post Posted: Sun Nov 19, 2017 5:02 pm 
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Highmac wrote:
Mike Smith wrote:
I didn't realise the mad dictator Mugarbe was from Yorkshire........

until I read his name backwards. :lol: :lol:


Actually it's Mugabe - which works even better :lol:



I put the sex in dyslexia :P

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I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out.
Bill Hicks


'If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people'
Tony Benn

uniondesign l photos of stuff l me


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 Post subject: Re: The joke thread...
 Post Posted: Sun Nov 19, 2017 5:42 pm 
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Mike Smith wrote:

I put the sex in dyslexia :P


your lucky I bought a warehouse.

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 Post subject: Re: The joke thread...
 Post Posted: Thu Nov 23, 2017 12:23 pm 
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Location: In a turkey shed.
A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey did?"
The guy says, "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little *******. Sorry. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his arse, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "No, what?" replied the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his arse, pulled it out and ate it!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. He still eats everything in sight but, ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."

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 Post subject: Re: The joke thread...
 Post Posted: Thu Nov 23, 2017 1:33 pm 
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:lol:

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 Post subject: Re: The joke thread...
 Post Posted: Thu Nov 23, 2017 2:57 pm 
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:lol:


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