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 Post subject: Re: The joke thread...
 Post Posted: Tue Feb 13, 2018 7:41 pm 
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Joined: Wed Dec 22, 2010 9:07 pm
Posts: 1140
Location: In a turkey shed.
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water
floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The
directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!"
The pastor fainted.

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 Post subject: Re: The joke thread...
 Post Posted: Fri Feb 16, 2018 5:16 pm 
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Joined: Tue Oct 17, 2017 11:09 am
Posts: 45
Connor, the young Irish dude walked into the local welfare office with his pants hanging half down off his butt, two golden front teeth, and a half-inch thick gold chain around his neck, to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said, “Hi. You know, I just hate drawing welfare. I’d really rather have a job. I don’t like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing.”

The social worker behind the counter said, “Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You will have to drive around in his 2017 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.”

“Because of the long hours, also meals will be provided. You’ll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20’s and has a rather strong sex drive.”

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, “You’re bullshittin’ me!”

The social worker replied, “Yeah, well… you started it.”


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 Post subject: Re: The joke thread...
 Post Posted: Sat Feb 17, 2018 11:11 pm 
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Joined: Wed Dec 22, 2010 9:07 pm
Posts: 1140
Location: In a turkey shed.
Went for a job at Citroen. Had to send in 2CVs.

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 Post subject: Re: The joke thread...
 Post Posted: Sat Feb 17, 2018 11:12 pm 
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Joined: Wed Dec 22, 2010 9:07 pm
Posts: 1140
Location: In a turkey shed.
I said, "Do you like my shirt? It's covered in cactuses."
He said, "Cacti."
I said, "Never mind the tie, what do you think of the shirt?"

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iMac 27" i7 2.93 GHz quad core OSX 10.12.6
13" Macbookpro OSX 10.10.3
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 Post subject: Re: The joke thread...
 Post Posted: Mon Feb 19, 2018 3:41 pm 
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Joined: Fri Oct 08, 2010 8:13 am
Posts: 1833
Location: South Midlands
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about it. Until one day....

For all these year, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents.
"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you. I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with Happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."

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 Post subject: Re: The joke thread...
 Post Posted: Mon Feb 19, 2018 4:20 pm 
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Posts: 6850
West Bromwich Albion Football Club...

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