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Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water
floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The
directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!"
The pastor fainted.

_________________

MacPro (2010) quad core macOS 10.15.7
13" (2011) Macbookpro OSX 10.10.3
15" (2017) Macbookpro OS 13.3
iPhone 11 iOS16
Original iPad wifi

Connor, the young Irish dude walked into the local welfare office with his pants hanging half down off his butt, two golden front teeth, and a half-inch thick gold chain around his neck, to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said, “Hi. You know, I just hate drawing welfare. I’d really rather have a job. I don’t like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing.”

The social worker behind the counter said, “Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You will have to drive around in his 2017 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.”

“Because of the long hours, also meals will be provided. You’ll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20’s and has a rather strong sex drive.”

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, “You’re bullshittin’ me!”

The social worker replied, “Yeah, well… you started it.”

Went for a job at Citroen. Had to send in 2CVs.

_________________

MacPro (2010) quad core macOS 10.15.7
13" (2011) Macbookpro OSX 10.10.3
15" (2017) Macbookpro OS 13.3
iPhone 11 iOS16
Original iPad wifi

I said, "Do you like my shirt? It's covered in cactuses."
He said, "Cacti."
I said, "Never mind the tie, what do you think of the shirt?"

_________________

MacPro (2010) quad core macOS 10.15.7
13" (2011) Macbookpro OSX 10.10.3
15" (2017) Macbookpro OS 13.3
iPhone 11 iOS16
Original iPad wifi

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about it. Until one day....

For all these year, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents.
"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you. I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with Happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."

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MacMini (2018) OS10.14.6 (Mojave). Monitor: LG 27in 4K Ultra HD LED.
15in MacBook Pro (Mid 2014) OS10.13.4 (High Sierra);
15in MacBook Pro (2010), (ex-Snow Leopard); now OS10.13.6 (High Sierra); 500GB Solid-State SATA drive; 4GB memory.

West Bromwich Albion Football Club...

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I'm never wrong, I'm just less right on occasions.

Two couples are playing cards when Jeff accidentally drops some cards on the floor.
When he bends down under the table to pick them up, he notices that Dave’s wife, Sandy, is not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hits his head on the table and emerges red-faced.
Later, when Jeff goes to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy follows him and asks coyly, “Did you see anything under the table that you liked?”
Jeff admits, “Well, yes I did.”
She says, “You can have it, but it will cost you $100.”
Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and he doesn’t, Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 pm on Friday.
Friday comes and Jeff drives to her house, arriving at 2:00 pm sharp. After paying her the $100, they go to the bedroom, have sex for a few hours and then Jeff leaves.
When Dave comes home about 6:00 PM he asks his wife, “Did Jeff come by this afternoon?”
Totally shocked, Sandy replies, “Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes.”
Next Dave asks, “Did Jeff give you $100?”
Sandy thinks, ‘Oh hell, he knows!’ – and reluctantly says, “Yes, he did give me $100.”
“Good,” says Dave. “Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me and said that he’d stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It’s so good to have a friend you can trust.”

Today’s the first day of spring.

_________________
J.P.



"The Macintosh may only have 10% of the market, but it is clearly the top 10%."
Douglas Adams

President Trump is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts, “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.
Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the world made you shout Mickey Mouse?”
Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout Donald.... duck!”

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Thank goodness for the Forum - more heartfelt than ever.

IMac 21.5 May 2010 3.06 GHz Intel Core 2 Duo, Memory 8 GB 1067 MHx DDR3 Sierra 10.12.6, Snow Lepard 10.6.8.
iPad Air2 11.1.1
iPhone 4S 9.3.5
iPad Air 11.0.3

Chap turns up at a fancy-dress party with a woman strapped to his back. The host asks what he's come as and the partygoer says: "I've come as a snail."

"So who's the woman on your back?"

"That's Michelle..."

_________________
MacMini (2018) OS10.14.6 (Mojave). Monitor: LG 27in 4K Ultra HD LED.
15in MacBook Pro (Mid 2014) OS10.13.4 (High Sierra);
15in MacBook Pro (2010), (ex-Snow Leopard); now OS10.13.6 (High Sierra); 500GB Solid-State SATA drive; 4GB memory.

Jack came home after playing a round of Sunday golf.
“How was your golf game, dear?” asked his wife, Lillian.
“Well I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight’s gotten so bad I couldn’t see where the ball went.”
“Well you’re 75 years old now, Jack, why don’t you take my brother Scott along?” suggested Lillian.
“But he’s 85 and doesn’t even play golf anymore,” protested Jack.
“But he’s got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball,” his wife pointed out.
The next opportunity Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.
“Do you see it?” asked Jack.
“Yup,” Scott answered.
“Well, where is it?” yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
“I forgot.”

Little Bruce comes down for breakfast and his mother asks if he had done his chores.
“Not yet,” answers Bruce.
His mother tells him that until he completes them, he won’t be getting any breakfast.
That makes Bruce a bit mad but he pushes off to feed the chickens and kicks one. He goes on to feed the cows, and kicks a cow as well. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
Then he walks back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
“How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” asks Bruce.
“Well,” explains his mother, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren’t getting any milk.”
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen.
Bruce looks up at his mother with a smile and says, “Are you going to tell him, or shall I?”

Two parrots sitting on a perch...

One says to the other "Can you smell fish?"

_________________
MacMini (2018) OS10.14.6 (Mojave). Monitor: LG 27in 4K Ultra HD LED.
15in MacBook Pro (Mid 2014) OS10.13.4 (High Sierra);
15in MacBook Pro (2010), (ex-Snow Leopard); now OS10.13.6 (High Sierra); 500GB Solid-State SATA drive; 4GB memory.

Two cannibals eating a clown, one says to the other “does this taste funny to you?”.

_________________
James
Mac4Mac Founder
(use mac4mac as PW)

12.9" iPad Pro, Magic Keyboard, Pencil 2
21.5" iMac Quad Core i5 8GB RAM (Plex Server) ~ iPhone 15 Pro
AirPods Pro ~ Apple TV 4 (64GB) ~ Linksys Velop Mesh Wi-Fi

“Life is a sexually transmitted disease. It is terminal. There is no known cure”.

_________________
Thank goodness for the Forum - more heartfelt than ever.

IMac 21.5 May 2010 3.06 GHz Intel Core 2 Duo, Memory 8 GB 1067 MHx DDR3 Sierra 10.12.6, Snow Lepard 10.6.8.
iPad Air2 11.1.1
iPhone 4S 9.3.5
iPad Air 11.0.3