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Nice joke!

Edward was never in the navy, he applied for the marines - and failed to get in...!

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iMac, iPad, iPhone, Nikon and

Email from an American friend....
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One night my friends asked me to go out with them. I told my wife that I would be home by midnight. Hours passed and the beers went down way too easy. Around 3 am (a bit loaded) I headed home.

Just as I walked in the door the cuckoo clock chimed 3 times. Afraid that my wife would wake up I quickly cuckooed 9 more times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with a quick-witted solution.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I had got in. I said: "MIDNIGHT, like I said!" She seemed fine with my answer, so I thought that I had gotten away with it.

Then my wife promptly told me that we needed to get a new cuckoo clock. I asked why and she said: "Well, last night our cuckoo clock cuckooed 3 times, said oh crap, cuckooed 4 times, cleared its throat, cuckooed 3 more times, giggled, cuckooed 2 more times, then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

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MacMini (2018) OS10.14.6 (Mojave). Monitor: LG 27in 4K Ultra HD LED.
15in MacBook Pro (Mid 2014) OS10.13.4 (High Sierra);
15in MacBook Pro (2010), (ex-Snow Leopard); now OS10.13.6 (High Sierra); 500GB Solid-State SATA drive; 4GB memory.

Two old men who are both one year off retiring are talking in the pub, one says to the other "I made love to my wife three times last night!, can you believe it?".

"How the hell did you manage that, then?", said the other.

"I'll tell you, what I did was made love, them had a nap for ten minutes, made love again, napped for ten minutes and then did it once again pleasing my wife three times!".

"Wow, said the other man, "I shall try that tonight with my wife Margaret!". The old man gets home and waits for the right time, he does exactly what his friend says and pleases his wife three times. He wakes up in the morning feeling as young as a buck, never feeling happier.

He strolls to work, getting there 20 minutes late. "Hey, Boss, how are you today?, I've never being late in thirty-five years!, please don't be mad about twenty minutes!".The boss replied "What do you mean twenty minutes?, where have you been Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday?".

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* Steve *

* Witty statement goes here *

Just got home and found the door and all the windows open and everything gone...











What kind of sick person does that to someone's Advent Calendar?

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J.P.



"The Macintosh may only have 10% of the market, but it is clearly the top 10%."
Douglas Adams

EU demands Pigs in Blankets be renamed Pork Wraps to avoid offending homeless police officers.

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I'm never wrong, I'm just less right on occasions.

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. 'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles'.

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MacMini (2018) OS10.14.6 (Mojave). Monitor: LG 27in 4K Ultra HD LED.
15in MacBook Pro (Mid 2014) OS10.13.4 (High Sierra);
15in MacBook Pro (2010), (ex-Snow Leopard); now OS10.13.6 (High Sierra); 500GB Solid-State SATA drive; 4GB memory.

Poster on the owners' forum put this post up about his car not working any more. Check out the third response....

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MacMini (2018) OS10.14.6 (Mojave). Monitor: LG 27in 4K Ultra HD LED.
15in MacBook Pro (Mid 2014) OS10.13.4 (High Sierra);
15in MacBook Pro (2010), (ex-Snow Leopard); now OS10.13.6 (High Sierra); 500GB Solid-State SATA drive; 4GB memory.

The sales aren't much good this year. The only thing I saw reduced was a Baywatch box set which had 50% Hoff.

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I'm never wrong, I'm just less right on occasions.

... such a hassle.

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iMac, iPad, iPhone, Nikon and

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

_________________
J.P.



"The Macintosh may only have 10% of the market, but it is clearly the top 10%."
Douglas Adams

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. Then, when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: 'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck-naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!' The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!' The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'. At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says....................





'Grandpa.......... Go home!

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James
Mac4Mac Founder
(use mac4mac as PW)

12.9" iPad Pro, Magic Keyboard, Pencil 2
21.5" iMac Quad Core i5 8GB RAM (Plex Server) ~ iPhone 15 Pro
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Some gems in

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MacMini (2018) OS10.14.6 (Mojave). Monitor: LG 27in 4K Ultra HD LED.
15in MacBook Pro (Mid 2014) OS10.13.4 (High Sierra);
15in MacBook Pro (2010), (ex-Snow Leopard); now OS10.13.6 (High Sierra); 500GB Solid-State SATA drive; 4GB memory.

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MacForum's 'Santfekuss'

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