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 Post subject: Re: The joke thread...
 Post Posted: Tue Jul 04, 2017 9:30 pm 
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:lol:


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 Post subject: Re: The joke thread...
 Post Posted: Thu Jul 06, 2017 11:11 am 
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Location: MacBook Pro13" 2.2GHz 10.10.2 4GB RAM 500GB WD Hard Drive 10.8.5 + iPhone 6 16GB
I found a link direct to the PDF document on FaceBook and have now found the page that it refers to. I had some trouble reading the PDF in mobile safari and had more luck with uploading It to Dropbox and reading it through the iPhone Dropbox app.

http://www.brokenmind.co.uk/2011/03/23/wrong-railtrack-letters/

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 Post subject: Re: The joke thread...
 Post Posted: Thu Jul 13, 2017 10:42 pm 
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Joined: Wed Dec 22, 2010 9:07 pm
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Location: In a turkey shed.
"Noah!"

"Yes Lord?"

"Build me an ark."

"But Lord, I already did that."

"Build another one, this time with seven decks.

"Seven decks?"

"Yes, seven. And ensure that the lowest deck is watertight, fill it with water and put in some carp."

"Carp? Very well, as you wish, Lord. And the second deck?"

"Water and carp, likewise the third deck."

"My I venture a guess, Lord? Thy mysterious ways move thee to command a further four decks of water & carp?"

"Yes, Noah, but not mysterious. I require a multi-storey carp-ark."

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 Post subject: Re: The joke thread...
 Post Posted: Sun Jul 16, 2017 11:37 am 
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A priest was preparing a man for his long journey into the night.
Speaking firmly, the priest said, “Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!”
The dying man said nothing.
The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing.
The priest asked, “Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?”
The dying man whispered, “Until I know where I’m heading, I don’t think I ought to aggravate anybody.”


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 Post subject: Re: The joke thread...
 Post Posted: Sun Jul 16, 2017 1:56 pm 
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:)


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 Post subject: Re: The joke thread...
 Post Posted: Mon Jul 17, 2017 8:11 am 
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Posts: 5152
Bruce was laying down new carpeting in a woman’s home.
As he was finished, he got a craving for a cigarette. He looked around and discovered that his cigarettes were missing. He did, however, notice a bump in the carpet, and figured that he had laid carpet over the pack without noticing it there.
Bruce scratched his head and decided rather than to take up the entire carpeting, he would get a hammer and pound the bump into the ground so no one would know.
When he was finished doing that, the lady of the house walked into the room and commented on what a nice job he had done.
“Bruce, the carpet looks wonderful!” she exclaimed. “Here are your cigarettes; I found them in the kitchen. Oh yes, and by the way, have you seen my gerbil?”


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 Post subject: Re: The joke thread...
 Post Posted: Mon Jul 17, 2017 9:25 am 
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Joined: Fri Oct 08, 2010 8:13 am
Posts: 1805
Location: South Midlands
As I've Matured...


I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in...

I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just mules.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others-they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.

I've learned that you can keep being nauseous long after you think you're finished.

I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.

I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.

I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it

I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the butt are permanent.

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If only we could put an extra memory stick in our heads as we get older....
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27in iMac mid-2011, 3.1 GHz Intel Core i5, OS10.8.5 (Mountain Lion); 15in MacBook Pro, 2010 OS 10.6.8 (Snow Leopard)


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 Post subject: Re: The joke thread...
 Post Posted: Mon Jul 17, 2017 9:33 am 
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Location: South Midlands
God created everything and rested on the seventh day. On the eighth day, he said, "OK, Murphy, you can take over now."

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If only we could put an extra memory stick in our heads as we get older....
Neil
27in iMac mid-2011, 3.1 GHz Intel Core i5, OS10.8.5 (Mountain Lion); 15in MacBook Pro, 2010 OS 10.6.8 (Snow Leopard)


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 Post subject: Re: The joke thread...
 Post Posted: Mon Jul 17, 2017 1:04 pm 
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Location: Glasgow
Ramaprem wrote:
Bruce was laying down new carpeting in a woman’s home.
As he was finished, he got a craving for a cigarette. He looked around and discovered that his cigarettes were missing. He did, however, notice a bump in the carpet, and figured that he had laid carpet over the pack without noticing it there.
Bruce scratched his head and decided rather than to take up the entire carpeting, he would get a hammer and pound the bump into the ground so no one would know.
When he was finished doing that, the lady of the house walked into the room and commented on what a nice job he had done.
“Bruce, the carpet looks wonderful!” she exclaimed. “Here are your cigarettes; I found them in the kitchen. Oh yes, and by the way, have you seen my gerbil?”



Watch the start of this Scottish comedy show (35 seconds in) from 1984. He done thats sketch. lol

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xct_1Jo8ZPk

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 Post subject: Re: The joke thread...
 Post Posted: Tue Jul 18, 2017 10:30 pm 
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A Pastor goes to a nursing home for the first time to visit an elderly parishioner.
As he is sitting there, he notices a bowl of peanuts beside her bed and takes one. As they continue their conversation, he can’t help himself and eats one after another.
By the time they are through visiting, the bowl is empty.
He says, “Mrs. Fairbanks, I’m so sorry, but I seem to have eaten all of your peanuts.”
“That’s O.K.,” she says. “They would have just sat there anyway. Without my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off and put them back in the bowl.”


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 Post subject: Re: The joke thread...
 Post Posted: Fri Jul 21, 2017 12:33 pm 
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Joined: Wed Dec 22, 2010 9:07 pm
Posts: 1101
Location: In a turkey shed.
A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
The first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. He starts on this when suddenly a huge fish leaps out and bites him. He is not going to let a fish have a go so he beats the offending fish to death with a spade.
Realising that his boss is not going to be best pleased, he tries to find a way to hide the dead fish. He hits on the brilliant idea of giving the fish to the lions as lions will eat anything. So he throws the fish into the lion's cage.
He then moves on to his second job, which is to clear out the monkey house. He goes in and a couple of chimps starts throwing coconuts at him. Not amused he swipes at the chimps with his spade, killing them instantly. He's really worried now, so what does he do? He feeds the chimps to the lions, because lions eat anything. He hurls them into the lion's cage.
Anyway, he moves on to his last job, which is to collect honey from South American bees. He starts on this and quickly gets attacked by the bees.Alarmed, he grabs his spade and smashes the bees as hard as he can, squashing them to death. By this point he is not too worried about the death of bees as he knows what to do by now. He throws them into the lion's cage, because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. It wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like in here?". The other lion says:
"Absolutely brilliant, today we had fish, chimps and mushy bees"

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 Post subject: Re: The joke thread...
 Post Posted: Fri Jul 21, 2017 12:34 pm 
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Location: In a turkey shed.
Got pulled over by the police..Police: "Turn around"
Me: "Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round"
Police: "Turn around"
Me: "Bright eye's"
That's when I got tasered.

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 Post subject: Re: The joke thread...
 Post Posted: Tue Jul 25, 2017 10:41 pm 
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Location: MacBook Pro13" 2.2GHz 10.10.2 4GB RAM 500GB WD Hard Drive 10.8.5 + iPhone 6 16GB
Husband wanted to call the hospital to ask about
his pregnant wife, but accidently called the cricket ground.
He asks, “How's the situation?”
He was shocked & nearly died on hearing the reply.
They said, “It’s fine. 3 are out, hope to get another 7 out by lunch, last one was a duck!"

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 Post subject: Re: The joke thread...
 Post Posted: Sat Jul 29, 2017 1:31 pm 
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Posts: 1101
Location: In a turkey shed.
Jock & Jimmy were walking along a street in London.
Jock looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye.
The sign read, "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, trousers £2.50 per pair".
Jock said to his pal, "Look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of these and when we get back to Scotland we could make a fortune.
Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all the talking cause if they hear our accents, they might think we are cheap Scotsmen and try to screw us. I'll put on my best London accent".
"OK Jock, I'll keep me mouth shut" said Jimmy.
They go in and Jock said in a posh voice, "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up me truck ready to load them on, old chap!
The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Scotland, aren't you?"
"Well yes," said a surprised Jock. "What gave it away?"
The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners.

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 Post subject: Re: The joke thread...
 Post Posted: Tue Aug 01, 2017 7:48 am 
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Posts: 5152
Recently, the Psychic Hotline and Psychic Friends Network have launched hotlines for frogs.
Here is the report about one frog who called the Psychic Hotline:
The frog asks the psychic, “When will I find a girlfriend?”
The psychic says, “I see you are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.”
The frog says, “This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?”
“No,” says the psychic. “Next semester in her biology class.”


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