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 Post subject: Re: The joke thread...
 Post Posted: Tue Aug 01, 2017 7:54 am 
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What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillope.

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 Post subject: Re: The joke thread...
 Post Posted: Fri Aug 04, 2017 11:37 am 
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More on footwear:

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet stretched out in front of him.
He was wearing the biggest boots she’d ever seen.
The woman asked the cowboy if it’s true what they say about men with big feet – that they are well endowed.
The cowboy grinned and said, “Shore is, little lady. Why don’t you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?”
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.
The next morning, she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he said, “Well, thankee, ma’am. Ah’m real flattered. Ain’t nobody ever paid me fer mah services before.”
“Don’t be flattered,” she said. “Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit.”


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 Post subject: Re: The joke thread...
 Post Posted: Fri Aug 04, 2017 4:24 pm 
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Location: Glasgow
jcturner wrote:
What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillope.


A cheese eating surrender monkey.

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 Post subject: Re: The joke thread...
 Post Posted: Tue Aug 15, 2017 9:03 am 
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Jason went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of West Virginia.
After spending a great evening chatting the night away, Jason’s grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.
Looking at his breakfast, Jason noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather, “Are these plates clean?”
His grandfather replied, “They’re as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!”
For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, Jason was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, “Are you sure these plates are clean?”
Without looking up the old man said, “I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don’t you fret, I don’t want to hear another word about it!”
Later that afternoon, Jason was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather’s dog started to growl, and wouldn’t let him pass.
Jason yelled and said, “Grandpa, your dog won’t let me get to my car.”
Without diverting his attention from the sports paper he was reading, the old man shouted, “Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!!!”


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 Post subject: Re: The joke thread...
 Post Posted: Thu Aug 31, 2017 2:17 pm 
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Location: MacBook Pro13" 2.2GHz 10.10.2 4GB RAM 500GB WD Hard Drive 10.8.5 + iPhone 6 16GB
We were discussing Sir Clement Freud at work today and I found this one on YouTube. So much better hearing it from the man himself.

https://youtu.be/DvHOXiP9O_Y

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 Post subject: Re: The joke thread...
 Post Posted: Fri Sep 01, 2017 12:24 pm 
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A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and asked his father when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he’d make a deal with his son: “You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, then we’ll talk about the car.”
The boy thought about that for a moment and decided he’d agree to the offer.
After about six weeks his father said, “Son, you’ve brought your grades up and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I’m disappointed you haven’t had your hair cut.”
The boy said, “Y’know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there’s even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.”
To which his father replied: “Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?”


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 Post subject: Re: The joke thread...
 Post Posted: Fri Sep 01, 2017 12:36 pm 
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Posts: 790
:P :lol:


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 Post subject: Re: The joke thread...
 Post Posted: Sat Sep 02, 2017 8:45 am 
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Posts: 5152
The preacher of a small village has a bright 5-year-old daughter.
She often noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon.
She asked him, “Dad, why are you doing that every Sunday?”
“Well, Honey,” he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages, “I’m asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.”
Looking incredulous, she asks, “How come he doesn’t answer it?”


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 Post subject: Re: The joke thread...
 Post Posted: Tue Sep 05, 2017 10:08 pm 
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Location: In a turkey shed.
Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?

Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one?

Interviewer: Brown one.

Farmer: A couple of litres per day.

Interviewer: And the black one?

Farmer: A couple of litres per day.

Interviewer(naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat?

Farmer: Which one? Black or brown?

Interviewer: Black.

Farmer: It eats grass.

Interviewer: And the other one?

Farmer: Grass.

Interviewer(now annoyed) : Why
do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?!

Farmer: Because the black one’s mine.

Interviewer: Oh, and the brown one?

Farmer: It’s also mine.

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 Post subject: Re: The joke thread...
 Post Posted: Thu Sep 07, 2017 2:07 pm 
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A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan.
She asked the children, “If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?”
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, “I think I’d throw up.”


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 Post subject: Re: The joke thread...
 Post Posted: Fri Sep 08, 2017 2:06 pm 
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Posts: 5152
Zen and the art of computer maintenance

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
So beautifully.

With searching comes loss
And the presence of absence:
‘My Novel’ not found.

The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao-until
You bring fresh toner.

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Having been erased,
The document you’re seeking
Must now be retyped.


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 Post subject: Re: The joke thread...
 Post Posted: Tue Sep 12, 2017 12:37 pm 
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Posts: 1102
Location: In a turkey shed.
Extracts from letters written by council tenants:
1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
3.. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.
6.. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen..
10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.
15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife...
20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it. (Yes, that's very serious I think !...

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 Post subject: Re: The joke thread...
 Post Posted: Thu Sep 14, 2017 9:51 am 
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Location: Middle Earth
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 Post subject: Re: The joke thread...
 Post Posted: Sat Sep 16, 2017 12:18 pm 
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Little Brandon and his family were having Sunday dinner at his grandmother’s house.
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Brandon received his plate, he started eating right away.
“Brandon! Please wait until we say our prayer!” said his mother.
“I don’t need to,” the boy replied.
“Of course, you do,” his mother insisted. “We always say a prayer before eating at our house.”
“That’s at our house,” explained Brandon. “But this is grandma’s house and she knows how to cook.”


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 Post subject: Re: The joke thread...
 Post Posted: Mon Sep 25, 2017 8:22 am 
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12 Great One Liners

Here are twelve classic one-liners from some masters of the craft. Are they the best ever told?

Tim Vine – “Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes”

Joan Rivers – “All my mother told me about sex was that the man goes on top and the woman on the bottom. For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.”

Woody Allen – “Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go it’s pretty damn good.”

Ken Dodd – “I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.”

Bob Monkhouse – “I want to die like my father, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and terrified, like his passengers.”

Jo Brand – "The way to a man's heart is through his hanky pocket with a breadknife."

Milton Jones – “I was mugged by a man on crutches, wearing camouflage. Ha ha, I thought, you can hide but you can’t run.”

Ross Noble – “How come Miss Universe is only ever won by people from Earth?”

Jimmy Carr – “A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, ‘Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?’ I said, ‘Alright, but we won’t get much done.”

Sarah Millican – "I saw a pair of knickers today – on the front it said, 'I would do anything for love' and on the back it said 'but I won't do that.'"

Tommy Cooper – "Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off."

Jack Whitehall – “I'm sure wherever my father is, he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending."

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