mac4mac.co.uk

A German tourist jumped into a river to save a dog.

Upon getting back out of the river, he checked the dog out and told the owner that "zer dog is ok and vill be fine".

The owner asked, "are you a vet?"

"Vet," he replied, "i'm f***ing soaked!"

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Gary.

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-- RANGERS FC --


"Macintosh - We might not get everything right, but at least we knew the century was going to end." Douglas Adams.

If you see a Scouser on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit
him?
It might be your bicycle
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Why does the River Mersey run through Liverpool?
Because if it walked it would be mugged
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What do you call a Scouser in a three-bed semi?
A Burglar
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What do you call a Scouser in a tie?
The Accused
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What do you say to a Scouser in a uniform?
Big Mac and fries please
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What's the first question at a Liverpool pub quiz night?
What you looking at?
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What do you call a Scouser in a White Shellsuit?
The Bride

At the national ladies conference a woman from Canada stood up on the podium and stated, last year we spoke about being more assertive, so I told my husband that I would no longer cook for him, 2 days past and I saw nothing, the third day I came home to find a three course dinner waiting for me, the crowd clapped and cheered. Then the French woman stood and said, I told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry, 2 days past and I saw nothing, on the third day I came home to find all his laundry had been done along with my laundry, the crown clapped and cheered for her too. The third woman from Liverpool stood up and said she told her man that there would be no more cooking, shopping or cleaning, she said after the 1st day I saw nothing, after the 2nd I saw nothing then after the 3rd day I began to see a bit from my left eye.

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Gary.

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-- RANGERS FC --


"Macintosh - We might not get everything right, but at least we knew the century was going to end." Douglas Adams.

Hey Crapday - made my day, I burst out laughing at that one. I aint a scouser I come from over the water, a posh little place called Moreton (well it was posh and little 50 years ago) and worked in the 'pool for a couple of years and I always found a true scouser could laugh at 'home' jokes.

It's a small world! I was born in Bidston and my Aunty lived in Moreton. Here's a picture from just up the road from Moreton called Meols:


The Wirral's not been the same since they built the Ford Estate in the 70s. Well, at least not that part... a 4 mile long sink estate. Not surprised you moved to Canada!

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iMac, iPad, iPhone, Nikon and

@macmike, I got that with with the Liverpool reading Glasgow and I had the same reaction as you.

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Gary.

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-- RANGERS FC --


"Macintosh - We might not get everything right, but at least we knew the century was going to end." Douglas Adams.

Hey Fifth that pic and you coming from Bidston really brought back memories. The bus I caught for school (Skerry's Birkenhead) used to go through Bidston, little church on the left if I remember right - I've got one of crap memory probs now but still remember school in the 40's.
Where is the Ford estate? I lived in a little shop on the corner of Pasture Av and Upton Rd. Left when I was 19 and join the Army then led a gipsy life moving to Canada 6 years ago to be with the grandkids.

Yes, Bidston Church is a nice little place. I went to my great-grandmother's funeral there.

I'm not sure about the bus journey route (I left Bidston when I was 3 weeks old!) but there used to be an open road between Moreton and Bidston with fields all the way over on the right, sloping upwards towards Bidston Hill and Bidston Observatory. The Ford Estate was built on all those fields between the Moreton-Bidston road, all the way up to Arrowepark. Four bl00dy miles long, one mile wide. Nothing but cheap (and I mean shoddy) council houses, practically no facilities, shops or community support services. Totally ruined the North Wirral peninsula, it used to be a beautiful open space for city dwellers to enjoy, now they avoid it if they can because of the crime (yes, the majority of the inhabitants were scousers moved from Liverpool). Bidston has Conservation area status but it's position as a picturesque village in the countryside has been pretty heavily bolloxed by the estate.

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iMac, iPad, iPhone, Nikon and

OMG just had a look on Google Maps and I see the Moreton to Bidston road was cut by the motorway and is no more - ouch - I think I would get totally lost.

I hear what you say about the new estate (neighborhood over here) but I guess with an increasing population they gotta put people where they can. UK = about 60M people Ontario = just over 12M people and Ontario is about twice the size of the UK so we have a lot of free space. BUT as with all things there is a down(ish) side … the winter.
With winter temps here bounce round -25 to -30 degrees Centigrade December through March and the snow gets pretty deep. But with 2-3 hours of the snow stopping the roads are cleared and the pavements (sidewalks) within 24 hours. It’s a nice cozy +2degrees C at the moment so not too bad.



Now back to the purpose of this thread ……….
Two women are walking home after a night out with the girls. They are very drunk and as the walk home is taking longer then expected they find themselves desperate for a wee. As they are passing a church with a graveyard they decide to go and relieve themselves behind the headstones. When they finish, they both realize they have nothing to wipe themselves with.

The first women decides to use her knickers and throw them away afterward. The second is wearing expensive underwear and doesn't want to lose it. She notices a recent grave behind her that still has flowers all over it. One of these is a very lavish bunch tied together with thick expensive ribbon. ' just the job' she decides and reaching over drags the flowers towards her and uses the ribbon and they continue to stagger home.

Next morning the husband of the first woman phones the husband of the second and says "We need to keep an eye on our wives. Mine came home with no knickers on last night! "You think you have got problems!" exclaimed the second husband. " My wife came home with a card stuck up her arse that said "We'll never forget you - from all the lads in the fire station."

NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:
You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a rise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a rise.

If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a rise.

Sick days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Toilet breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the cubicles. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch reak:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management

Don't show that to the management otherwise they will implement it.

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I'm never wrong, I'm just less right on occasions.

For all of you ex scousers who have done a runner

A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, ' Mary , why didn't you
raise your hand?'

'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'

'I am a Man Utd fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. ' Mary , why, pray tell, are you a Man Utd fan?'

'Because my mum is a Man Utd fan, and my dad is a Man Utd fan, so I'm a Man Utd fan too!'

'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Man Utd fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time.. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'

'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.

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Some of the best moments in life are the ones you cannot tell anyone about

A group of girlfriends went to a Ladies' Night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest, so she pulled out a £10 note. When the male dancer came over to the group, she licked the £10 note and stuck it to his bum cheek!

Not to be outdone, another girl pulls out a £20 note. She called the guy back, licks the £20 note, and sticks it to his other bum cheek.

In a further attempt to impress the rest of the group, a third girl pulls out a £50 note, calls the guy over, licks the £50 note and sticks it to a bum cheek.

Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to a fourth girl. Everyone's attention is now focused on her and the guy is egging her on to try to top the £50. The girl took out her ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his bum, grabbed the eighty quid, and left.

I asked God for a car, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a car and asked for forgiveness.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
War does not determine who is right only who is left.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted wages.
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?"
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
Hospitality is making your guests feel like they're at home even if you wish they were.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.