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The Dalai Lama feels really hungry so he walks into a Pizza shop and asks "Can you make me one with everything".

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I'm never wrong, I'm just less right on occasions.

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly, ‘I have something I must confess.’
‘There’s no need to,’ his wife replied.
‘No,’ he insisted, ‘I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, and her best friend, and your mother!’
‘I know, I know,’ she replied. ‘Now just rest and let the poison work.’

What do dentists call x-rays?

Tooth pics.

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I'm never wrong, I'm just less right on occasions.

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
‘I’m sorry Mr. Schwartz,’ the mortician commented, ‘I can’t allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.’
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
‘I have something to show you you won’t believe,’ he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
‘My God!’ the wife exclaimed, ‘Schwartz is dead!’

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MacPro (2010) quad core macOS 10.15.7
13" (2011) Macbookpro OSX 10.10.3
15" (2017) Macbookpro OS 13.3
iPhone 11 iOS16
Original iPad wifi

A man walked into a bar and ordered a beer.
‘Certainly, Sir, that’ll be one cent.’
‘One Cent?’ the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked, ‘How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?’
‘A nickel,’ the barman replied.
‘A nickel?’ exclaimed the man. ‘I want to talk to the guy who owns this place!’
The bartender replied, ‘He is not available. He is upstairs – with my wife.’
‘And what’s he doing upstairs with your wife?’
‘The same thing I’m doing to his business down here.’

Bank robber walks into a bank and fires a shot into the ceiling. Everyone drops to the floor but in the confusion the robbers mask slips and shows his face.

The robber asks the man nearest to him “Did you see my face?”. The man replied “Yes I did”. The robber shoots him dead. The robber the asks the next man “Did you see my face?”. The man replied “Yes I did”. The robber also shoots him dead.

He then turns to a third man and asks “Did you see my face?”.

The man replied “No but my wife did”.

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I'm never wrong, I'm just less right on occasions.

A foursome of men waiting at the men’s tee while a four-ball of ladies were hitting from the ladies’ tee.
The ladies were taking their time. When the final lady was ready to hit her ball, she hacked it 10 feet. Then she went over and missed it completely. Then she hacked it another ten feet and finally hacked it another five feet.
She looked up at the patiently waiting men and said apologetically, “I guess all those f...g lessons I took over the winter didn’t help.”
One of the men immediately responded, “Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!”
He never even had a chance to duck. He was only 43.

A little girl was leading her dog through the park when an old man stopped her, saying, "That sure is a pretty dress you're wearing."
"The little girl smiled and said, "Thank you, sir. My mum bought it for me. This is my dog Porky."

The old man chuckled. "I'll bet 50p I can guess why you call him that."

She shook her head. "I'll bet you can't."

He laughed and said, "You called him Porky because he's so fat."

She shook her head. "No sir, we call him that because he f**ks pigs."

Jon was in his usual place, sitting at the table, reading the paper during breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ. 
He turned to his wife with a look of bewilderment on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives." 
His wife replies, "Why, thank you, dear!"

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
 The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I'm in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o'me brothers and one for me self."


The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
 The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks them in turn.


One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."


The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected me brothers though."

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son and was horrified; it was the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife, ‘There’s no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?’
The wife smiled sweetly and replied, ‘Not this time!’

A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, doctor! I think I'm going deaf.”

The doctor asks, “Can you describe the symptoms?”

And he says, “Yes, Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair.”


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Lily went to a nearby pharmacy to buy her partner some deodorant.

A sales assistant comes up to her and asks what she’s looking for.

“I’m looking for some deodorant for my boyfriend, but I don’t know what kind he uses.”

“Is it the ball type?”

“No,” she replies. “It’s for his armpits.”

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-glazed, energy-efficient kind.
Today, I got a call from the contractor who had installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn’t paid for them.
Just because I’m a single woman doesn’t mean that I’m automatically stupid in these matters. So I told him what the fast-talking sales guy had told me last year. i.e. that this kind of windows would pay for themselves in a year.
“It’s been a year, so they’re paid for,” I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up.
He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

The other day, my wife and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a Traffic Warden writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and I said, ‘Come on, how about giving a pensioner a break?’ He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an a–hole. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.
So, Barb called him a s–t-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Just then, our bus arrived and we got on it and went home.
We weren’t too concerned about the vehicle’s owner because of the sticker on the back window which read, “I support the Conservative Party.”