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A woman had an appointment with a gynaecologist but was running a bit late so had no time for a shower. Instead she grabbed the flannel from the bath and used that to clean up.

When she got to the gynaecologists she was a little unsettled when he took one look and let out a gasp of surprise... "Uh huh...!"

"Sorry Dr," the woman said, embarrassed, "I didn't have time for a shower..."

When she got home her daughter was crying, "Where's all my glitter gone? It was all in that flannel in the bathroom...!"

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iMac, iPad, iPhone, Nikon and

Jooolllee is visiting a Glasgow hospital.

She enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness,

With a wee scousie smile & a glint in her eye, she looks over to one patient.

The patient replies:

Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm.

Joollleee is confused, so she just grins and moves on to the next patient.

The next patient responds:

Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit.

Even more confused she just grins and moves onto the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

Wee sleekit, cowerin, timorous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle

Now seriously troubled, Jooollleee turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, 'Is this a psychiatric ward?'

No, replies the doctor, this is the Serious Burns unit........

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J.P.



"The Macintosh may only have 10% of the market, but it is clearly the top 10%."
Douglas Adams

Aidy Boothroyd was wandering across the Tescos carpark on leaving the Ricoh stadium for the last time. He sees an old lady struggling with her shopping and goes over and says, "can you manage ?"

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I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out.
Bill Hicks

'If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people'
Tony Benn

l l

A married couple in their early 60s was out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish." "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the wife. The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II luxury liner appeared in her hands.

Then it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me. " The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish...

So the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of the story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.

GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH!
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel
3. He didn't get a fair trial

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands
2. He had wine with His meals
3. He used olive oil

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature
2. He ate a lot of fish
3. He talked about the Great Spirit

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married..
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a WOMAN:
1. Fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food.
2. Kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who often just didn't get it.
3. And even when dead, had to get up because there was still work to do.

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20" 2.1GHz Intel iMac, OS 10.7.5.

Not a joke as such but an amusing anecdote :

A journalist was recanting on the radio yesterday about the time he was reporting from Wormwood Scrubs.

On leaving he discovered that he had locked himself out of his car. No problem he thought, I'm in the right place to get this sorted out quickly.

After a word with the governor, an old lag 'Arry was summoned being a habitual car thief just the man to affect entry to the motor.

The journo led the way and 'Arry was escorted by a couple of guards to the car park, where he picked up a rock and lobbed it through the side window

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I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out.
Bill Hicks

'If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people'
Tony Benn

l l

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream "racism" these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?"
The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"
The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"
The assistant replied, "Because you're in Halfords."

"Hi mate I don't want you to panic but I’m texting you from the
Casualty. Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it
Was."

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20" 2.1GHz Intel iMac, OS 10.7.5.

"The trouble with quotes on the Internet is that it's difficult to discern whether or not they are genuine." --Abraham Lincoln

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MacMini (2018) OS10.14.6 (Mojave). Monitor: LG 27in 4K Ultra HD LED.
15in MacBook Pro (Mid 2014) OS10.13.4 (High Sierra);
15in MacBook Pro (2010), (ex-Snow Leopard); now OS10.13.6 (High Sierra); 500GB Solid-State SATA drive; 4GB memory.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."
"f*ck that" says Mick
"have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

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20" 2.1GHz Intel iMac, OS 10.7.5.

A man goes into the doctors feeling a little ill. The doctor checks him over and says, 'Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus. It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually have only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth.'

So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before. They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £35. Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320.

Then he gets the full house and wins £1000. Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting £380,000. The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, 'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card. You must be the luckiest man on Earth!'

'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24.' 'F*** me,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the raffle as well !!

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he asks do you know me? To which she replies I think you're the father of one of my kids. Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and asks are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I sex with on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my arse with wet celery? She looks into his eyes and says calmly no, I'm your son's teacher.

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J.P.



"The Macintosh may only have 10% of the market, but it is clearly the top 10%."
Douglas Adams