mac4mac.co.uk

Ladies. A true sign of love is when your man texts you when he's playing FIFA. Nah just kidding. It must be half time.

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I'm never wrong, I'm just less right on occasions.

They've just had to cancel the panto 'Jack and the Beanstalk' in Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Birmingham, Leicester & Luton, because the giant couldnt smell any English men...

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Tony

iMac 24" M3 16Gb ram 512 SSD
14.2
iPhone 12 64Gb Blue
Linksys velop
Community fibre 150MBdown 150MBup.

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MacMini (2018) OS10.14.6 (Mojave). Monitor: LG 27in 4K Ultra HD LED.
15in MacBook Pro (Mid 2014) OS10.13.4 (High Sierra);
15in MacBook Pro (2010), (ex-Snow Leopard); now OS10.13.6 (High Sierra); 500GB Solid-State SATA drive; 4GB memory.

Here's one from years ago....

The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-A-Boo) is not just an athlete...she is now a nurse currently working at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital. She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones. It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say,
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* Picabo, ICU !

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MacMini (2018) OS10.14.6 (Mojave). Monitor: LG 27in 4K Ultra HD LED.
15in MacBook Pro (Mid 2014) OS10.13.4 (High Sierra);
15in MacBook Pro (2010), (ex-Snow Leopard); now OS10.13.6 (High Sierra); 500GB Solid-State SATA drive; 4GB memory.

I currently working up in Liverpool, and as you'd expect there are loads of jokes about scousers and their mischievious ways.

I'm not a great one for jokes about stereotypes. Well, actually around here it's just 'types, cos someone nicked the stereo'.

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MacBook Air 1.6Ghz 4GB Ram Mac OS X 10.8.1
Mac mini G4 1.42 Ghz 1GB Ram Mac OS X 10.5.8
iPhone 4S 6.0
iPad 2 16GB 6.0

Better than a Flu Shot! 

Miss Beatrice, The church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu All winter.'

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21.5 iMac OSX 10.9.5, 3.06GHz, 8GB RAM, HP PhotoSmart printer and external disk 'sall
17" Unibody MBP with Snow Leopard 'cos I can use AppleWorks.
I got shot of rubbishy Windows 7

Poor spellers of the world untie

A magician had been working on a cruise ship for 5 years. He gave the same show each time - never changing his tricks.
There was a parrot in the nightclub where he gave his show. The parrot became so bored with seeing the same tricks, that he began calling out - during the trick - things like, “It’s in his palm.” or “He’s got a duplicate up his sleeve.” or “There’s a hidden compartment.”

One night, during the show, the ship hit an iceberg and sank. Everyone drowned, and the ship went immediately to the bottom of the ocean. All that was left was one piece of debris, with the parrot perched on one end, and the magician clinging to the other.

Hours passed - the two just staring at each other.
Finally, the parrot said, “Okay, I give up. Where’s the ship?”

This will have to be a link

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I'm never wrong, I'm just less right on occasions.

I found a tin of meat in the cupboard, and as soon as I opened it, 20 more tins appeared. Bloody Spam.

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I have way too much Apple stuff...

The Chilean miner has his first night home with his wife and they make love.

He says can I turn the lights off?

She says of course you can honey anything you want.

He replies can i take you from behind?

She says of course you can darling - anything you want..

He says Ok - can I call you pedro?

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'

Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.'

Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right. '

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his feckin' wife."

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Some of the best moments in life are the ones you cannot tell anyone about

A man goes into the doctor's surgery and says "Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains".
The doctor says "pull yourself together man'.

Someone open their copy of the Basil Brush Bumper annual 2011 a bit early.
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BOOM BOOM

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)

QUESTION: Does it ever get windy inAustralia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK ).
ANSWER: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

QUESTION: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
ANSWER: Depends how much you've been drinking.

QUESTION: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden)
ANSWER: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

QUESTION: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
ANSWER: What did your last slave die of?

QUESTION: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)

ANSWER: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

QUESTION: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
ANSWER: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions. (My favourite question and answer)

QUESTION: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
ANSWER: Why? Just use your fingers like we do...

QUESTION: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
ANSWER: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is
Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

QUESTION: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
ANSWER: You are a British politician, right?

QUESTION: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
ANSWER: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

QUESTION: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
ANSWER: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

QUESTION: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

ANSWER: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

QUESTION: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
ANSWER: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

QUESTION: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
ANSWER: Only at Christmas.

QUESTION: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
ANSWER: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.