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A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, maths and science.

One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"

The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilised world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature occasionally does this."

The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."

Nicola Sturgeon, Donald Trump, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The Devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin calls Russia and talks for 5 minutes.
When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a cheque.
Next Donald Trump calls the U.S. and talks for 30 minutes.
When he's finished the devil informs him that the cost is 6 million dollars, so Trump writes him a cheque.
Finally Nicola Sturgeon gets her turn and calls Scotland for 4 hours. When she's finished, the devil informed her that there would be no charge and feel free to call Scotland anytime.
Putin and Trump go ballistic and ask the devil why Nicola Sturgeon got to call Scotland free.
The devil replied, "Since Nicola Sturgeon became First Minister of Scotland , the Country has gone to hell, so it's only a local call."

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MacPro (2010) quad core macOS 10.15.7
13" (2011) Macbookpro OSX 10.10.3
15" (2017) Macbookpro OS 13.3
iPhone 11 iOS16
Original iPad wifi

_________________
Gary.

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-- RANGERS FC --


"Macintosh - We might not get everything right, but at least we knew the century was going to end." Douglas Adams.

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MacPro (2010) quad core macOS 10.15.7
13" (2011) Macbookpro OSX 10.10.3
15" (2017) Macbookpro OS 13.3
iPhone 11 iOS16
Original iPad wifi

Its ok I never took offence as its a joke lol and if we did get another vote on independence, i'll be voting to stay.

_________________
Gary.

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-- RANGERS FC --


"Macintosh - We might not get everything right, but at least we knew the century was going to end." Douglas Adams.

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."


Teacher: "Kids, what does the sheep give you?"
Student: "Mutton"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework"


On the roof of a very tall building are four men; one is Chinese, one is Mexican, one is black, and the last one is white. The Chinese walks to the ledge and says "This is for all my people" and jumps off the roof. Next, the Mexican walks to the ledge and says "This is for all my people" and jumps off the roof. Next is the black guy's turn. He walks to the ledge and says "This is for all my people" and throws the white guy off the roof.

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"If it ain't broke, we can fix it" (© Tim Cook, Jonny Ive)

Core i7 2011 21.5" iMac 12,1 2.8 GHz 16GB RAM OS X 10.9.5 1TB SSD & 128GB SSD

A homeless man, down on his luck, went into a Catholic church.
The church was known for its rather ‘uppity’ social reputation.
Spotting the man’s dirty clothes, the ushers stopped him outside the church door and asked if he needed help.
The man told them, “I was praying and the Lord told me to come to this church.”
The ushers suggested that the man go away and pray some more and he might get a different answer.
The following Sunday the man returned and the ushers again stopped him at the door. “Well, did you get a different answer?” they asked him.
“Yes, I did,” said the man. “I told the Lord that you don’t want me here, but the Lord said, ‘Keep trying, son. I’ve been trying to get into that church for years and I haven’t made it yet either.’”

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A big and a small planet meet in the endless reaches of space.
After they greet each other, the big one says to the small one, “How you doin’? Haven’t seen you for aeons!”
The small planet says, “A bit rough actually – I have Homo sapiens.”
The big planet answers, “Ah, don’t worry, it’ll soon pass.”

The very first computer was older than you ever thought...

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MacMini (2018) OS10.14.6 (Mojave). Monitor: LG 27in 4K Ultra HD LED.
15in MacBook Pro (Mid 2014) OS10.13.4 (High Sierra);
15in MacBook Pro (2010), (ex-Snow Leopard); now OS10.13.6 (High Sierra); 500GB Solid-State SATA drive; 4GB memory.

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who make the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon, from New York, says, “I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.”
The second, from Chicago, responds, “Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside them is color coded.”
The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, “No, I really think librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles, chimes in: “You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few pieces left over.”
But the fifth surgeon, from Washington DC, shuts them all up when he states: “You’re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine. Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.”

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy". I call mine "Sex". Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one too." Then I said, "but this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He said I must have been quite a kid!

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too".

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I said, "I had hoped to have sex on T.V." He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said "Me too."

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I said, "I am looking for Sex."

My case comes up Friday.

_________________
Gary.

______________
█████████
-- RANGERS FC --


"Macintosh - We might not get everything right, but at least we knew the century was going to end." Douglas Adams.

When God made man, there was only the one, and the various parts of the body argued about who would be the boss.

The hands said they should because they did the manual work.

The feet thought they should because they took man to where he could do the work and get food.

The stomach thought it should be boss because it digested the food that kept all the body bodys working.

The heart thought it should be because it pumped the blood that allowed the food to be digested by the stomach and reach the body.

The brain said, "No, I have to send all the signals to get each of Ayou to do your job. Therefore, I am the boss."

The asshole said, "No, no, no...I should be the boss." Well all the other parts of the body laughed at the asshole. The asshole got made and said "I'll show you who's boss", and clogged up the works.

After a few days, the stomach ached ..the hands were practically helpless ..the feet could not carry the body ..the heart was about ready to stop pumping blood ..the brain's signals were being ignored and finally, the body died.

The moral of this story is ....you don't have to be a brain to be the boss, just an ass-hole.

_________________
Gary.

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-- RANGERS FC --


"Macintosh - We might not get everything right, but at least we knew the century was going to end." Douglas Adams.

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section. The stewardess tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart and I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the woman to leave and she says "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The attendants don't know what to do because they have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off, so they get the copilot. The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot what he said to get her to move.

The copilot replies, "I told her that the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica".

_________________
Gary.

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-- RANGERS FC --


"Macintosh - We might not get everything right, but at least we knew the century was going to end." Douglas Adams.

Twas the month after Christmas and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.

The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste.
All the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).

I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,

The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."

As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt--Ä-

I said to myself, as I only can
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"

So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.

I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---
But isn't that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

_________________
Gary.

______________
█████████
-- RANGERS FC --


"Macintosh - We might not get everything right, but at least we knew the century was going to end." Douglas Adams.