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There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. One day he finds a theatre where they are willing to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening, carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line, 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'" The actor is thrilled. All day long, before the play, he's practising his line over and over again. Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage and, with great passion, delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress." The theater erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter, and the director was steaming: "You bloody fool!," he cried, "You've ruined me!" The actor was bewildered, "What happened? Did I forget my line?" "No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"

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MacPro (2010) quad core macOS 10.15.7
13" (2011) Macbookpro OSX 10.10.3
15" (2017) Macbookpro OS 13.3
iPhone 11 iOS16
Original iPad wifi

Eighty-year-old Abhilash was having an annual physical at the local hospital.
As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, “Oh oh!”
Abhilash asked the doctor, “What’s the problem?”
“Well,” said the physician, “you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?”
“No,” replied the patient.
“Do you drink in excess?”
“No!” the patient says.
“Do you have a sex life?”
“Yes, yes!” Abhilash exclaims.
“Well,” said the doctor, “I’m afraid with this heart murmur, you’ll have to give up half your sex life.”
“Looking perplexed, Abhilash smiled a toothless smile and asked, “Which half – the looking or the thinking about?”

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.
They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.
The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table while the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress curiously watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man, “Pardon me, sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table.”
The man calmly looked up at her and said, “No she didn’t. She just walked in the door.”

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'. 'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?' The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'

The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is. The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.' He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it.

'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that...So what's the other possible good news?' 'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again.'

A soldier was on leave and had been driving towards home for many hours.
Tired, he pulled into a little town for a night’s rest, but found out every hotel room was taken.
“You’ve got to have a room somewhere,” he pleaded with the receptionist of the last hotel he found.
“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, but he is an Air Force guy,” admitted the young woman, “and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.”
“No problem,” the tired Army guy assured her, “I’ll take it.”
The next morning the soldier came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
“How’d you sleep?” asked the curious receptionist.
“Never better,” said the soldier.
The receptionist was impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring all night long?”
“No, no, I shut him up in no time,” explained the soldier.
“How’d you manage that?” she asked.
“Well, he was already in bed, snoring away, when I walked into the room, so I gave him a kiss on the cheek,” explained the soldier. “Then, I whispered in his ear, ‘Good night beautiful’, and he sat up all night watching me.”

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MacPro (2010) quad core macOS 10.15.7
13" (2011) Macbookpro OSX 10.10.3
15" (2017) Macbookpro OS 13.3
iPhone 11 iOS16
Original iPad wifi

A man doesn't know what happiness is until he is married.

By then, it's too late.

It has been quiet in here so far this weekend. So to break the silence, copied from another forum ....


A lad and a lass from Aberystwyth
United the lips that they kystwyth.
But as they grew older,
They also grew bolder,
And played with the things that they pystwyth

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MacPro (2010) quad core macOS 10.15.7
13" (2011) Macbookpro OSX 10.10.3
15" (2017) Macbookpro OS 13.3
iPhone 11 iOS16
Original iPad wifi

I know it doesn't work if you use the proper Welsh pronunciation, buy hey, close enough for jazz. Hark at me bringing it up, a Romford boy who has been going west (as a young man) until stopping in Wales.

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MacPro (2010) quad core macOS 10.15.7
13" (2011) Macbookpro OSX 10.10.3
15" (2017) Macbookpro OS 13.3
iPhone 11 iOS16
Original iPad wifi

I went to B&Q yesterday. As I walked in, I was approached by a man in an orange and black uniform who asked if I wanted decking.

Luckily, I got the first punch in.

I went to the doctors yesterday, he told me id have to stop masturbating, I asked him why, he said cos I'm trying to examine you.

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Gary.

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-- RANGERS FC --


"Macintosh - We might not get everything right, but at least we knew the century was going to end." Douglas Adams.

The real estate boss got a hot new secretary.
Afraid of sexual harrassment issues he held himself off for a week, but finally overcome with lust, he decided to put some moves on her.
However, after a few weeks, he is feeling displeased at the way she is working, not caring, coming to work late, and so on. So, he pulls her aside, and has a little talk with her.
“Listen, baby, we may have gone to bed together a few times, but who said you could start coming in late and slacking off?”
Looking him in the eyes, she replied cooly, “My lawyer!”

The price of pies.

In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for $1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for $1.60 and an apple pie for $2.15. In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you $2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is $1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for $1.95. In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at $2.50, but you can two for $3.50, while the chicken and mushroom pie is $2.25, or two for $3.25. They also offer meat and potato pie for $2, or two for $3. Their apple pies and cherry pies are often sold for $2.75, or two (any combination) for $4.75.
Those my friends are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean....

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J.P.



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