mac4mac.co.uk

Some suggested Windows error messages http://www.allowe.com/Humor/computerenhancers.htm

back on the Australia theme.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jFTS18uUpgo

fantastic.

_________________
Gary.

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-- RANGERS FC --


"Macintosh - We might not get everything right, but at least we knew the century was going to end." Douglas Adams.

Posted on Facebook*

Wayne Rooney and Sir Alex Ferguson are now in a complicated relationship.
Manchester City likes this.



*Not really!

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I'm never wrong, I'm just less right on occasions.

Saskatchewan farm boy

A young farm boy from Saskatchewan moved to Vancouver Island and went to a huge "everything under one roof department store" looking for a job.

The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The kid says, 'Yeah. I was a salesman back in Saskatchewan.'

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. 'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. 'How many customers bought something from you today?'

The kid says 'one'.

The boss says, 'Just one? Our salespeople average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?'

The kid says, '$101,237.65.'

The boss says, '$101,237.65! What the heck did you sell?'

The kid says, 'First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Ford Expedition.'

The boss said, 'You mean to tell me that a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?'

The Saskatchewan farm boy said, 'No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing'!

A college class were told they had to write a short story in as few words as possible.

The instructions were: the short story had to contain the following three things -

1. Religion
2. Sexuality
3. Mystery

Below is the only A+ story in the entire class.

"Good God. I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"

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Costas


It works! Now, if I could only remember what I did.

A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the counter and said "Hi, I'm looking for a job". The man behind the counter replied "Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year.

The scouser said "You're bullshitting me!"

The man behind the counter said "Well you started it!"

A little American political humor

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2 Mini 2.3GHz Core i5 OSX10.7 / MacPro 2GHz DC Xeon 5130 OSX10.7 10.4 & WindowsXP / MDD 1GHzDP OSX10.4 & OS 9.2 / iBook G4 1.2GHz OSX10.4 / 9600/300 PPC OS9.2 / iPod 20GB 3rd Gen / iPad Wi-Fi 16GB 1st Gen iOS5 / iPhone 4 GSM 16GB iOS7

A wireless router when to the doctors. When asked why, it replied "it hurts when IP".

_________________
I'm never wrong, I'm just less right on occasions.

The short
Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. Doc says: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. ' Is it common? I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied..

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.


And the long
One day a teacher had a taste test with her students and she picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?" "No I don't" said the little boy. "Okay I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work”. Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yells, "Spit it out! It's a piece of ass!"

Little Jimmy is sitting at school and his teacher is asking the children to make sentences using a word she gives to them. "Jimmy give me a sentence using the word contagious". Jimmy - "Errr, ummm ...our next door neighbor is painting his fence and my dad said that he should use a bigger brush cos otherwise it would take the old cuntages"

How can you tell if a man is rich?
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Some of the best moments in life are the ones you cannot tell anyone about

A teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady,
how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?' Michael
said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.' The teacher responded by
saying: 'That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how
would you say it?' Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go
to the bathroom. I'll be right back.' 'That's better, but it's still
not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you,
little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good
manners?' Johnny said 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for
a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I
hope to introduce you to after dinner.'
The teacher fainted...

The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven." The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
"What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man. "This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. "Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy." The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked. "That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This IS Heaven!"
The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?" "Not unless you want to," was the answer. "No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..." Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."

The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your ****ing bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!"

Joe was moderately successful in the career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure . . ." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see...34 sleeve and... 16½ neck" Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure... " The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9½ wide." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure..." The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see... 7¼." Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure... ". The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see. . size 36." Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can't look that old? Well, you'll love this one!

My name is Alice Smith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his dental diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark haired boy with the same name had been in my secondary school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, grey haired man with the deeply lined face was far too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park Secondary School.
'Yes, yes I did. I'm a morganner! ' He beamed with pride.
'When did you leave to go to college?' I asked.
He answered, ‘In 1965. Why do you ask?’
'You were in my class!' I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.
Then that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat arsed, grey haired, decrepit, bastard asked 'What did you teach?'

_________________
James
Mac4Mac Founder
(use mac4mac as PW)

12.9" iPad Pro, Magic Keyboard, Pencil 2
21.5" iMac Quad Core i5 8GB RAM (Plex Server) ~ iPhone 15 Pro
AirPods Pro ~ Apple TV 4 (64GB) ~ Linksys Velop Mesh Wi-Fi