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I was in hospital for only 3 days.
All good. Thanks.

This one's for you:
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married.
They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: “Are you the owner?”
The pharmacist answers: “Yes.”
Jacob: “We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”
Pharmacist: “Of course we do.”
Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?”
Pharmacist: “All kinds.”
Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?”
Pharmacist: “Definitely.”
Jacob: “How about Viagra?”
Pharmacist: “Of course.”
Jacob: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?”
Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety. The works.”
Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?”
Pharmacist: “Absolutely.”
Jacob: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers?”
Pharmacist: “All speeds and sizes.”
Jacob says to the pharmacist: “We’d like to register here for our wedding gifts, please.”

Gosh! He must have the mentioned 'memory problems' as he forgot haemorrhoid cream


Good on the "all good".

Time for some dumb-blond jokes.

Two blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to the police station.
One asks, “But, what if one explodes on the way, before we get there?”
The other replies, “We’ll just lie and say we only found two.”

A woman phoned her blond neighbor and said to him, “You better close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday.”
To which the blond man replied, “Well, the joke’s on all of you because I wasn’t even at home yesterday.”

A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope in big letters: DO NOT BEND.
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

A blond man shouts frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”
“Is this her first child?” asks the doctor.
“No, damn it,” he shouts down the line, “this is her husband!”

An Italian tourist asks a blond man, “Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?”
To which the blond man replies, “If they fell forward, they’d still be in the boat.”

_________________

MacPro (2010) quad core macOS 10.15.7
13" (2011) Macbookpro OSX 10.10.3
15" (2017) Macbookpro OS 13.3
iPhone 11 iOS16
Original iPad wifi

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his dental diploma, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my secondary school class some 30-odd years ago.
Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, grey-haired man with the deeply lined face was far too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park Secondary School.
‘Yes, yes I did. I’m a Morganner!’ he beamed with pride.
‘When did you leave to go to college?’ I asked.
He answered, in 1965. Why do you ask?
‘You were in my class!’ I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely.
Then that ugly,
Old,
Bald,
Wrinkled,
Fat-arsed,
Grey-haired,
Decrepit,
Bastard asked:
‘What did you teach?’

_________________

MacPro (2010) quad core macOS 10.15.7
13" (2011) Macbookpro OSX 10.10.3
15" (2017) Macbookpro OS 13.3
iPhone 11 iOS16
Original iPad wifi

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
‘I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day… And repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.’
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs!
‘Why, that’s amazing!’ the doctor said. ‘Did you follow my instructions?’
The Irishman nodded… ‘I’ll tell you though, be jaesuz, I t’aut I were going to drop dead on dat ‘tird day.’
‘From the hunger, you mean?’ asked the doctor.
‘No, from the skippin’!”

_________________

MacPro (2010) quad core macOS 10.15.7
13" (2011) Macbookpro OSX 10.10.3
15" (2017) Macbookpro OS 13.3
iPhone 11 iOS16
Original iPad wifi

Some one-liners from an old (and dead) comedian - Bob Hope:

ON TURNING 70
‘I still chase women, but only downhill.’

ON TURNING 80
‘That’s the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.’

ON TURNING 90
‘You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.’

ON TURNING 100
‘I don’t feel old. In fact, I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.’

ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING
‘I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.’

ON PRESIDENTS
‘I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.’

ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL
‘I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.’

ON HIS FAMILY’S EARLY POVERTY
‘Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.’

ON HIS SIX BROTHERS
‘That’s how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.’

ON GOING TO HEAVEN
‘I’ve done benefits for ALL religions. I’d hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.’

Another dumb-blond joke:

A blonde woman was speeding down the Interstate in her little pink sports car…
…when she was pulled over by a policewoman, who was also a blonde.
The cop asked to see the diver’s license.
The driver dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
“What does it look like?” she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, “It’s square and it has your picture on it.”
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.
“Here it is,” she proudly said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, “OK. You can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop.”

_________________

MacPro (2010) quad core macOS 10.15.7
13" (2011) Macbookpro OSX 10.10.3
15" (2017) Macbookpro OS 13.3
iPhone 11 iOS16
Original iPad wifi

What do you call Batman when he leaves midnight mass early?

Christian Bale.

_________________
I'm never wrong, I'm just less right on occasions.

_________________

MacPro (2010) quad core macOS 10.15.7
13" (2011) Macbookpro OSX 10.10.3
15" (2017) Macbookpro OS 13.3
iPhone 11 iOS16
Original iPad wifi