mac4mac.co.uk

You know how to remedy that.

I'm in hospital right now, and would appreciate some more.
Believe it or not, loughor, I enjoy your sense of humour. I'm sure that I'm not alone; in the minority, yes - but not alone.

I hope it is nothing serious, of course.


I was in hospital last week. Everyone should know… The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name.


Doctor: "Gail is in hospital!"
M4M: "How is she?"
Doctor: "I'm afraid she's critical."
M4M: "Oh, you get used to that."


Where’s the worst place to hide in a hospital?
The ICU.


As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns… I knew the end was in sight.

_________________

MacPro (2010) quad core macOS 10.15.7
13" (2011) Macbookpro OSX 10.10.3
15" (2017) Macbookpro OS 13.3
iPhone 11 iOS16
Original iPad wifi

Nothing really serious. My doctor said that I had something that I didn't really need - so it was removed.
Thanks so much for the hospital humor, and for the contributions to my health.

Sort of, yes, but quicker and less stressful - I imagine.

A young man was drinking in a North Wales pub when he noticed an older gentleman sitting alone and clearly deep in thought. He asked the man, “Sir, with your years of experience, can you give me any advice?”

The man replied, “Always do that which you would want to be remembered for.”

“I’m not sure I follow,” said the young man.

“We’ll, take me, for example,” said the man. “In my youth I lead men into battle, always with bravery and honour, but do you think they call me ‘Evans the Warrior'? No, that’s not what they call me.

“I returned to this town I loved to build schools and hospitals, and with my own two hands, but do you think they call me ‘Evans the Builder'? No that’s not what they call me.

“I used my wealth to provide for the care of the sick and to comfort the dying, but do you think they call me ‘Evans the Charitable'? No, that’s not what they call me.

"I tell you, boy, you **** just one sheep...”

I'm out of hospital now - but keep 'em coming. Helps with my recovery and all-round well-being.

Looks as though I'll have to self-medicate.

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.
The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, “Some old bastard out there wants to buy a half a head of lettuce.”
As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added, “…and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.”
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later, the manager said to the boy, “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?”
“New Zealand, sir,” the boy replied.
“Why did you leave New Zealand ?” the manager asked.
The boy said, “Well sir, there’s nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there.”
“Is that right?” replied the manager. “My wife is from New Zealand!”
“Really?” replied the boy, “Who’d she play for?”
==========
Q: What happens if you forget to pay your exorcist?
A: You get repossessed.

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work to go fishing, so he approached his assistant.

"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".

"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So, Murphy, how was your day?"

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so I gave him Paracetamol."

"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon," says Murphy.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in!
Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'"

"Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes."

Ok - we're on a roll. Keep those eye-drops handy.

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.
The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn’t see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Australia. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal.
The first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. His arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he urinates.

_________________
James
Mac4Mac Founder
(use mac4mac as PW)

12.9" iPad Pro, Magic Keyboard, Pencil 2
21.5" iMac Quad Core i5 8GB RAM (Plex Server) ~ iPhone 15 Pro
AirPods Pro ~ Apple TV 4 (64GB) ~ Linksys Velop Mesh Wi-Fi

I pulled a car over for speeding. I asked for her driver’s license, registration, and proof of insurance.
The lady took out the required information and handed it to me.
In with the cards I was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age) to see she had a concealed carry permit. I looked at her and asked if she had a weapon in her possession at this time.
She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box.
Something – body language, or the way she said it – made me want to ask if she had any other firearms.
She did admit to also having a 9mm Glock in her center console.
Now I had to ask one more time if that was all…
She responded once again that she did have just one more, a .38 special in her purse.
I then asked her what she was so afraid of.
She looked me right in the eye and said, “Not a f...g thing!”

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband open the front door.
‘Hurry,’ she said, ‘stand in the corner.’
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
‘Don’t move until I tell you,’ she said. ‘Pretend you’re a statue.’
‘What’s this?’ the husband inquired as he entered the room.
‘Oh, it’s a statue,’ she replied. ‘The Smiths bought one and as I liked it so much I got one for us, too.’
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2am the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
‘Here,’ he said to the statue, ‘have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.’