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After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other’s throats for some time and felt that this was their last hope. When they arrived at the counselor’s office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.
“What seems to be the problem?”
Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 5...10...15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterward, the wife sat there speechless.
He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, “Your wife needs that at least twice a week!”
The husband scratched his head and replied, “Okay. I can have her here every Tuesday and Thursday.”

Of Ram's group of 4 jokes, I enjoyed #1 and #3. As for #4, yes I suppose Dawn French tells it better

The last one made me chortle too.

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"If it ain't broke, we can fix it" (© Tim Cook, Jonny Ive)

Core i7 2011 21.5" iMac 12,1 2.8 GHz 16GB RAM OS X 10.9.5 1TB SSD & 128GB SSD

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck and then began moving down past the small of her back.
He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then he proceeded
up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly rolled over and started to watch the TV.
As she had become quite aroused by his caressing, she asked in a loving voice, “That was wonderful. Why did you stop?
He replied, “I found the remote.”

Never lie to your Rabbi

At Friday night services, Morris goes to his friend Irving and says: “I need a favour. I’m sleeping with the Rabbi’s wife. Can you hold him in synagogue for an hour after services for me?”

Irving is not very fond of the idea, but being Morris’ lifelong friend, he reluctantly agrees. After services, he strikes up a conversation with the Rabbi, asking him all sorts of stupid questions – just to keep him occupied. After some time the wise Rabbi becomes suspicious and asks: “Irving what are you really up to?”

Irving, filled with feelings of guilt and remorse confesses to the Rabbi: “I’m sorry, Rabbi. My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied.”

The Rabbi smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Irving’s shoulder and says: “You'd better hurry home, Irving. My wife died two years ago!”

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MacMini (2018) OS10.14.6 (Mojave). Monitor: LG 27in 4K Ultra HD LED.
15in MacBook Pro (Mid 2014) OS10.13.4 (High Sierra);
15in MacBook Pro (2010), (ex-Snow Leopard); now OS10.13.6 (High Sierra); 500GB Solid-State SATA drive; 4GB memory.

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MacMini (2018) OS10.14.6 (Mojave). Monitor: LG 27in 4K Ultra HD LED.
15in MacBook Pro (Mid 2014) OS10.13.4 (High Sierra);
15in MacBook Pro (2010), (ex-Snow Leopard); now OS10.13.6 (High Sierra); 500GB Solid-State SATA drive; 4GB memory.

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.
He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.
“In fact,” he pointed out, “some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.”
After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, “Would you like to know what the painting is really about?”
“Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?” asked the wife.
“Because I am the artist who painted the picture,” he replied. “In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They’re just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.”

Three macho mice are sitting at a bar discussing just how tough they were.

The first mouse slams a shot and says: "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it 20 to 30 times." And, with that, he slams another shot.

The second mouse slams a shot and says: "That's nothing. I take those poison bait tablets, cut them up, and snort them, just for the fun of it." And, with that, he slams another shot.

The third mouse slams a shot, gets up, and turns to walk away.
"Where the hell do you think you're going?" ask his friends.

The third mouse stops and replies: "I'm going home to shag the cat."

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

Albert Einstein walks into a bar and orders a double whisky.

"Sorry", said the barman, "I can't serve you."

"Why not?", asked Einstein.

"You've had too much to think."

_________________
"If it ain't broke, we can fix it" (© Tim Cook, Jonny Ive)

Core i7 2011 21.5" iMac 12,1 2.8 GHz 16GB RAM OS X 10.9.5 1TB SSD & 128GB SSD

A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers he has an important meeting scheduled.
Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. At that moment, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.
Calling out to the patient, the man says, “Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?”
The patient calls back, “One moment!” and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter’s level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.
With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.
While the passer-bye watches this with awe, the patient withdraws a slide rule from his pocket, calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, “It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is.”
The man can’t help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.
Before he leaves, he says to the patient, “That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?”
The patient holds up his wrist and says, “I suppose I’d just look at my watch.”

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MacPro (2010) quad core macOS 10.15.7
13" (2011) Macbookpro OSX 10.10.3
15" (2017) Macbookpro OS 13.3
iPhone 11 iOS16
Original iPad wifi

A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “I think my friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence..... a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.

Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

A man left work one Friday afternoon but, being payday, rather than going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay.

Finally appearing at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Eventually, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

"That would be perfectly fine with me!", he replied.

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

By Thursday, the swelling had gone down just enough to where he could see her out of the corner of his right eye.

A little three-year old boy is sitting on the toilet.
His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what’s up.
The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about every 10 seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto to the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand.
His mother says: “Billy, are you all right? You’ve been in here for a while now!”
Billy says: “I’m fine, mommy. I just haven’t gone ‘doody’ yet.”
His mom: “OK, you can stay here a few more minutes. But, Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?”
Billy says: “Works for ketchup!”


The mother of a problem child visits the psychiatrist.
After an hour’s session she was advised by the psychiatrist, “You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly. Come and see me again in two weeks.”
On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, “Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?”
“Yes,” the boy’s mother answered.
“And how is your son now?” the psychiatrist asked.
“Who cares?” the mother replied.