mac4mac.co.uk

ODE TO ROLF HARRIS (Court of King Caractacus)

Oh, the judges of the Circuit in the Court of Queen Elizabeth - were just passing sentence
All together now -
The judges of the Circuit in the Court of Queen Elizabeth - were just passing sentence
The judges of the Circuit in the Court of Queen Elizabeth - were just passing sentence
The judges of the Circuit in the Court of Queen Elizabeth - were just passing sentence

Oh,
The clerks who wrote the notes upon the cases that were brought before the judges of the Circuit in the Court of Queen Elizabeth - were just passing time

The clerks who wrote the notes upon the cases that were brought before the judges of the Circuit in the Court of Queen Elizabeth - were just passing time

The clerks who wrote the notes upon the cases that were brought before the judges of the Circuit in the Court of Queen Elizabeth - were just passing time

The clerks who wrote the notes upon the cases that were brought before the judges of the Circuit in the Court of Queen Elizabeth - were just passing time

Oh,
The members of the jury in the box beside the clerks who wrote the notes upon the cases that were brought before the judges of the Circuit in the Court of Queen Elizabeth - were just passing judgement

The members of the jury in the box beside the clerks who wrote the notes upon the cases that were brought before the judges of the Circuit in the Court of Queen Elizabeth - were just passing judgement

The members of the jury in the box beside the clerks who wrote the notes upon the cases that were brought before the judges of the Circuit in the Court of Queen Elizabeth - were just passing judgement

The members of the jury in the box beside the clerks who wrote the notes upon the cases that were brought before the judges of the Circuit in the Court of Queen Elizabeth - were just passing judgement

So..
If you..
..want to see the man inside the dock who’s been found guilty by the members of the jury in the box beside the clerks who wrote the notes upon the cases that were brought before the judges of the Circuit in the Court of Queen Elizabeth

YOU'RE TOO LATE!
He's been
sent
down.

(If you never heard the original...
)

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"If it ain't broke, we can fix it" (© Tim Cook, Jonny Ive)

Core i7 2011 21.5" iMac 12,1 2.8 GHz 16GB RAM OS X 10.9.5 1TB SSD & 128GB SSD

A little old lady goes to the doctor.
She says, “Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it doesn’t really bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because they don’t smell and are silent.”
The doctor says, “I see. Here’s a prescription. Take these pills 3 times a day for seven days and come back to see me next week.”
The next week the little old lady returns. “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts… although still silent… stink terribly.”
The doctor says, “Oh good! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s start working on your hearing.”

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon-load of corn.
#thumb
The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. “Hey Wilmer!” the farmer yelled. “Forget your troubles. Come in and have a bite with us. Then I’ll help you get the wagon up.”
“That’s mighty nice of you,” Wilmer answered. “But I don’t think Pa would like me to.”
“Aw, come on!” the farmer insisted.
“Well okay,” the boy finally agreed, and added, “But Pa won’t like it.”
After a hearty dinner, Wilmer thanked his host. “I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.”
“Don’t be foolish!” the neighbor said with a smile. “By the way, where is your Pa?”
Wilmer replied, “Under the wagon.”

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together.
The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

Mother Superior tells two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. One nun suggests to the other, “Hey, let’s take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door.”
So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door.
They ask, “Who is it?”
“Blind man.”
The nuns look at each other, and one nun says, “He’s blind, so he can’t see. What could it hurt?” They let him in.
The blind man walks in and says, “Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?”

That last 'joke' was funny when Dawn French told it originally in the Vicar of Dibley.

The rest of the American 'copy and paste' ones are just a waste of effort Ramps.

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Your warning level: [ 1 ]

Strange: I don't feel that I wasted any effort. If I can make just one person laugh...
Clearly, it wasn't you.

I don't know about any previous versions, the origin of the joke - and anything else concerning its history. And don't give a s__t.

Thanks, anyway, for your encouragement. I'll first check with you in future.

S'ok .. just trying to help.

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Your warning level: [ 1 ]

Really?
How, exactly? Trying to help what?

Should I submit my jokes to you first? And you will approve their authenticity and pedigree - or lack thereof - and let me know if they should be made public? Or whether people will laugh at them?

I don't think so.

Gentlemen....

_________________
I'm never wrong, I'm just less right on occasions.

I am.
For me, my posts are nice.
(You've seen some of my others!)

_________________
MacMini (2018) OS10.14.6 (Mojave). Monitor: LG 27in 4K Ultra HD LED.
15in MacBook Pro (Mid 2014) OS10.13.4 (High Sierra);
15in MacBook Pro (2010), (ex-Snow Leopard); now OS10.13.6 (High Sierra); 500GB Solid-State SATA drive; 4GB memory.

They would not be proper gentlemen

No one has ever accused me of being either: proper or a gentleman.

And I wouldn't be a member of a club for which they were pre-requisites for membership!

Back to business (as (un)usual):

An elderly couple went to see their physician for their yearly checkup.
After his exam the doctor asked the husband, “You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medi- cal concerns you would like to ask me about?”
“In fact, I do,” said the old man. “After I have sex with my wife, I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty.”
Later, after examining the man’s wife, the doctor said, “Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to dis- cuss with me?”
She replied that she didn’t.
The doctor then said to her, “Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?”
“Oh, that crazy old fart,” she replied. “That’s because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August.”