I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer.
They were laced and I have been tripping all day.
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| The joke thread... https://www.mac4mac.co.uk/viewtopic.php?f=5&t=14 |
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| Author: | dennispc [ Sun Apr 16, 2017 11:36 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: The joke thread... |
The Easter Bunny went into a cafe, ordered a cheese toastie, a ham toastie and a tuna toastie. Ate the lot and dropped dead. In heaven she was asked what killed her, she replied “mixin'ma toasties.” |
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| Author: | crapday [ Sun Apr 16, 2017 1:05 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: The joke thread... |
| Author: | Ramaprem [ Sun Apr 16, 2017 5:31 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: The joke thread... |
A lonely 70-year-old widow decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: “Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person.” The following day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs. “You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you?” the widow asked. “Just look at you – you have no legs!” The old gent smiled: “Therefore I cannot run around on you!” “You don’t have any arms either!” she snorted. Again, the old man smiled: “Therefore I can never beat you!” She raised an eyebrow and asked intently: “Are you still good in bed?” The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said: “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?” |
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| Author: | Ramaprem [ Mon Apr 17, 2017 11:55 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: The joke thread... |
David, a Jewish boy, and Ali, a Muslim boy, are having a conversation. Ali: “I’m getting operated on tomorrow.” David: “Oh? What are they going to do?” Ali: “Circumcise me!” David: “Aw, I had that done when I was just a few days old.” Ali: “Did it hurt?” David: “Well, I couldn’t walk for a year!” |
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| Author: | Paw [ Sat Apr 22, 2017 8:33 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: The joke thread... |
Priest's Retirement Speech You don't need to be Catholic and go to Confession to appreciate this story. Make sure you “Live by the last line!!!” A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 40 years in the parish. A leading local figure and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: "I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place." "The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it." "He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss's wife; had sex with his boss's 17-year old daughter on numerous occasions; taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave a STD (sexual transmitted disease) to his sister-in-law." "I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people." Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk: "I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived, said the politician. In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession." Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late. |
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| Author: | jezza [ Sat Apr 22, 2017 3:37 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: The joke thread... |
Schrödinger's cat walks into a bar. And doesn't |
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| Author: | Ramaprem [ Mon May 01, 2017 3:03 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: The joke thread... |
A woman goes into sports shop to buy a rod and reel for her son’s birthday. She doesn’t know what to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart ‘associate’ standing there with dark shades on. She says, “Excuse me sir… can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?” He says, “Ma’am I’m blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes.” She didn’t believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, “That’s a 6′ graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line. It’s a good all around rod and reel and it’s $20.00.” She says, “That’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it’s what I’m looking for, so I’ll take it.” He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her. Being blind he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, “That will be $23.00.” She says, “But didn’t you say it was $20.00?” He says, “Yes ma’am, the rod and reel is $20.00, and the duck call is $3.00” |
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| Author: | crapday [ Mon May 01, 2017 4:26 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: The joke thread... |
Bought a brand new 65' TV to watch the championship play offs, but I see theres no Leeds in it. |
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| Author: | crapday [ Mon May 01, 2017 4:29 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: The joke thread... |
I'm not saying you should totally distrust the internet, but there is a huge disparity between the number of iPads i own the the amount that I have won. |
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| Author: | Mike Smith [ Mon May 01, 2017 9:42 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: The joke thread... |
| Author: | crapday [ Mon May 01, 2017 10:53 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: The joke thread... |
| Author: | Paw [ Tue May 02, 2017 12:31 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: The joke thread... |
I walked into the local cafe and said, "Can you do me a breakfast my way?" The bloke behind the counter said, "Certainly, what's your way?" I said, "Well, first of all I want a fried egg. It should be fried so hard that you can take it off of the plate and bounce it. The beans, they've got to be cold inside, hot outside. I want the fried bread absolutely dripping in grease. I want tomato skins - no tomatoes, just the skins. The bacon has got to be so well done that when you put the fork in it, it springs all over the room. You got that?" He says, "I haven't got time for all that." I said, "You found time yesterday!!. |
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| Author: | Mike Smith [ Tue May 02, 2017 4:20 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: The joke thread... |
I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer. They were laced and I have been tripping all day.
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| Author: | BDAqua [ Tue May 02, 2017 5:25 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: The joke thread... |
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| Author: | crapday [ Tue May 02, 2017 6:16 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: The joke thread... |
I bought a pair of shoes with only one lace. Took them back to the shoe shop only for the lady to point to the label "Taiwan". |
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