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 Post subject: Re: The joke thread...
 Post Posted: Sun Dec 24, 2017 9:37 pm 
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Location: South Midlands
Well, since it's Christmas (in 2hr 25min) here's the first cracker joke for this year:

How can you tell the difference between a buffalo and a bison?
You can't wash your face in a buffalo...



:roll:

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 Post subject: Re: The joke thread...
 Post Posted: Mon Dec 25, 2017 1:33 am 
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Hmmm, You can't roller-skate in a buffalo herd

Merry Merry and Happy Happy, One and All

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 Post subject: Re: The joke thread...
 Post Posted: Mon Dec 25, 2017 7:57 pm 
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ttclett wrote:
Hmmm, You can't roller-skate in a buffalo herd

Merry Merry and Happy Happy, One and All


Ah, Roger Miller - he wrote some great songs, but what the heck was he on at the time? :roll:

And best wishes right back :)

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If only we could put an extra memory stick in our heads as we get older....
Neil
27in iMac mid-2011, 3.1 GHz Intel Core i5, OS10.8.5 (Mountain Lion); 15in MacBook Pro, 2010 OS 10.6.8 (Snow Leopard)


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 Post subject: Re: The joke thread...
 Post Posted: Wed Dec 27, 2017 4:44 pm 
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Schroedinger's Cat in Boots.

"He's behind you!"

Or maybe he isn't.


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 Post subject: Re: The joke thread...
 Post Posted: Sun Dec 31, 2017 1:22 pm 
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On an icy road on Christmas Eve, three slightly inebriated men die in a car crash and meet up in front of St. Peter.
“In order to get in,” he tells them, “you must each produce something representative of the holidays.”
The first man digs into his pockets and pulls out a match, lights it and says, “This represents a candle of hope.”
Impressed, Peter lets him in.
The second man pulls out a tangle of keys and shakes them. “These are bells,” he says.
He’s allowed in too.
“So,” Peter says to the third man, “what do you have?”
The third man proudly shows him a pair of red panties.
“What do these have to do with Christmas?” asks Peter.
“They’re Carol’s.”

----

Vicar Crumblebott was giving his sermon during the Christmas Eve service.
Suddenly, the electricity in the church failed and he stood in the dark.
He called out for the ushers to find some candles and they placed them around the sanctuary.
With a sigh of relief, the vicar reentered the pulpit, shuffled his notes, and muttered, “Now, where was I?”
A tired voice called out, “Right near the end!”


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 Post subject: Re: The joke thread...
 Post Posted: Sun Dec 31, 2017 6:22 pm 
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:D


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 Post subject: Re: The joke thread...
 Post Posted: Mon Jan 01, 2018 1:58 pm 
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Location: In a turkey shed.
Matt went to see his doctor and nervously asked if he had ever laughed at a patient in his business life.

The doctor reassured him, “In over twenty five years I haven’t laughed at a single patient because I always remain completely professional.”

With that Matt dropped his jeans revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen. It wasn’t bigger than a Duracell alcaline battery.

The doctor just couldn’t help himself and burst into uncontrollable laughter before composing himself and saying, “I’m sorry, I really am, I don’t know what happened to me. I promise it will not happen again. Now what is the problem?”

Matt said, “It’s swollen.”

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 Post subject: Re: The joke thread...
 Post Posted: Tue Jan 23, 2018 3:48 pm 
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A chap having quarrelled with his wife sees in a second hand bookshop the volume 'How to Hug'. He impulsively buys it and takes it home saying "Let's read this and make up". She says: "What? Vol. 13 of Encyclopaedia Brittanica?

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 Post subject: Re: The joke thread...
 Post Posted: Tue Jan 23, 2018 6:16 pm 
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:D


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 Post subject: Re: The joke thread...
 Post Posted: Thu Feb 01, 2018 11:42 am 
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Heard a knock on the front door. Opened it and a 6ft tall beetle punched me in the face and told me to f**k off.

Apparently there is a nasty bug going around.

•boom boom tish*

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 Post subject: Re: The joke thread...
 Post Posted: Mon Feb 05, 2018 4:50 pm 
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When I watched a film and someone started swimming underwater I used to hold my breath to see if what they were trying to do was actually possible.

Don’t do it now though. Had to stop after I nearly died when I watched Finding Nemo.

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 Post subject: Re: The joke thread...
 Post Posted: Thu Feb 08, 2018 7:47 pm 
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Location: S.W. Wales
Groaning time.

The Two Ronnies: "and finally..."

· West Mercia police announced tonight that they wish to interview a man wearing high heels and frilly knickers, but the Chief Constable said they must wear their normal uniforms.

· There was a fire at the main Inland Revenue office in London today, but it was put out before any serious good was done.

· At London's Heathrow, senior customs officer Seaforth Mumbly retired today. He shook hands with passengers passing through the customs and confiscated a gold watch for himself.

· A cement mixer has collided with a prison van on the Kingston bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the look-out for 16 hardened criminals.

· The prime minister gave some interesting figures on education today. In the Greater London area, one half of the people can't read, one half can't write, and the other three quarters can't add up.

· The BBC announced tonight that as a special tribute to Selwyn Wedgley, Britain's leading understudy, it will be showing a special season of everybody else's films.

· On sale in Siberia today were perfectly preserved frozen steaks of Siberian Mammoths from the last ice age. A spokesman said: 'They're cheap and nutritious, but take four thousand years to defrost'.

· And finally, the public are warned to be on the lookout for Joseph Gomez, a Spaniard, last heard of living in Tooting, whose mother was a nun in Barcelona. A one-time flautist with a symphony orchestra, he is wanted for looting in Haifa, where he worked on a farm. The police urge people to look out for a Haifa-looting fluting Tooting son of a nun from Barcelona, part-time ploughboy Joe.


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 Post subject: Re: The joke thread...
 Post Posted: Sat Feb 10, 2018 2:34 pm 
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Location: South Midlands
For those of my generation who do not, and cannot, comprehend why Facebook exists, I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles. Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passersby what I have eaten, how I'm feeling at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later and with whom.

I give them pictures of my family, my dog, of me gardening, golfing and taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch, and doing what everybody does every day.

I also listen to their conversations, give them the "thumbs up" and tell them, "I like them."

And, it works! Just like Facebook!

I already have four people following me...

Two police officers, a private investigator and a psychiatrist...

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If only we could put an extra memory stick in our heads as we get older....
Neil
27in iMac mid-2011, 3.1 GHz Intel Core i5, OS10.8.5 (Mountain Lion); 15in MacBook Pro, 2010 OS 10.6.8 (Snow Leopard)


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 Post subject: Re: The joke thread...
 Post Posted: Sat Feb 10, 2018 6:09 pm 
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:D


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 Post subject: Re: The joke thread...
 Post Posted: Sun Feb 11, 2018 10:47 pm 
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... and another one from across The Pond...

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was welding some stuff in the garage just for fun.

His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally spoke: "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married, maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the shop. You probably should just consider selling all your welders along with your gun collection and that stupid vintage Harley."

Tom got a horrified look on his face. She said, "Darling, what's wrong?" He replied, "There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!" she screamed, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"

Tom replied: “I wasn't."

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If only we could put an extra memory stick in our heads as we get older....
Neil
27in iMac mid-2011, 3.1 GHz Intel Core i5, OS10.8.5 (Mountain Lion); 15in MacBook Pro, 2010 OS 10.6.8 (Snow Leopard)


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